When a few years ago I heard about the inner child concept, it caught a lot of my attention. Originated in Jung's psychology was later developed by Emmet Fox and Vivian and Artur Janov. An inner child is a part of the child we used to be that never matured and still lives in our subconscious. Our inner child represents both, positive and negative aspects of our psyche.
As grown-ups we often let the inner child take control over our words or behaviors and in certain situations it's actually very healthy to let it happen. For instance, when we're playing with others (children or adults) and we forget for a while that we're those mature, responsible people who we normally are and we become innocent and playful again. Also when we get excited about something and we cannot wait for it to happen, sometimes we cannot even sleep because of it (like on the night before Christmas when we were waiting for the Santa to come). Or when we're trying to fix something and suddenly an 'out of the adult's box' solution comes to our minds - this is our creative inner child whose mind was never conditioned by adults' logic or standards coming with a surprising idea.
However, there is also the other side of our inner child that we experience. If you observe little babies, they always show how they feel. When happy they smile and giggle, when sad or irritated they cry. No filter. Through upbringing, socialization, and education we learn to hide parts of our personality, our true self, not to be rejected or abandoned. We also learn not to feel feelings that are arising inside our bodies, especially sadness, anger, shame, or guilt. Also, when we experience childhood trauma, unprocessed emotions get stuck in our subconscious and accompany us in our adulthood. But from time to time our inner child is out, reliving those emotions again. It can be after losing a sports match when we're so upset to the point of destroying the equipment or offending our competitor. Or when we feel panicked that our romantic relationship is threatened or over because our partner hasn't written or replied to our message for a day or two. Or when we feel unworthy because we were not invited to a drink organized by our work colleagues (and if we finally get the invitation we proudly reply that we already have plans or claim that we don't need a pity invite).
So what can we do about it? How can we deal with our little inner self? Through connecting to our inner child we can bring those stacked unhealthy emotions to the surface and deal with them when the time is good for us. The idea behind it is that we, the adults, invite the inner child to express whatever it feels inside, and instead of identifying with those emotions, we embrace them and we embrace the inner child itself. We offer comfort, unconditional love, and care that the inner child lacked in the past and we promise to always cherish, love, and accept its presence within us. There are various techniques for inner child work, including inner dialogue, writing letters, looking at our childhood pictures, creative visualizations, and meditation.
I remember the first time I participated in an inner child workshop. We were guided through our early memories while lying down on the floor with our eyes closed. I was perplexed at first when people around me started laughing out loud, giggling, weeping, and even screaming. But then I managed to let go of my judgment and I had one of the most surprising experiences ever. I was able to see myself as a little girl in different situations. I could hear her thoughts, feel her feelings, but without losing the perspective of an adult woman. I was holding and cuddling her as if I were her mother or an aunt. I remember crying a lot but not because of sadness, but because of the sacredness of the whole encounter. After the workshop, instead of directly coming back to our normal, adult selves, we were invited to allow our inner child to be playful and engage in an activity that we, normally associated with kids, I remember drawing a little gratitude card for each of my roommates and also putting lots of confetti under the bedsheets of one of them. It was so much fun. I felt joyful, lighter, and absolutely rejuvenated.
Since then I've done a lot of inner child work, mostly during walks involving inner conversation and before bed visualizations using a photo of a little me. Nevertheless, in the past couple of months, I was struggling a lot with feelings of anger and resentment, especially toward my mother. I discussed it with both of my psychologists, but it seemed that I was not progressing. I felt stuck. I felt guilty. I wanted to love my mother, but the idea of being close to her was so repulsive. I asked... No, I begged the universe for help. (I'm calling it the Universe, but it could be God, Higher Wisdom or whatever greater force in life one believes in). And I was heard. Once again in my life, I was heard and responded.
My high school friend contacted me out of the blue because she read my blog. We used to be really good friends until our early twenties, but then our paths diverged. We called each other and she told me her inspiring story of emotional healing through meditation. She sounded so uplifted, I could perceive her inner strength and self-trust even through the screen. She recommended a kundalini meditation to release childhood anger, which turned out to be a powerful tool that I needed so much (here's the link, if you want to try). I added it to my daily meditation. It's 11-minute long and works best if performed for 40 consecutive days, but it's quite challenging for the body, so I started from 7 minutes and after two weeks I was able to reach 11.
I think the most important to remember is that when working with the inner child, the aim is to retrieve the suppressed emotions - in this case, the anger. For me, personally, it means letting me feel angry and upset for no or close to no reason on different occasions - not only during the meditation but throughout the whole day. Without judgment. Without trying to change anything or acting out on it. It's very difficult to remember it all the time, so sometimes I obviously snap. During the meditation, I was seeing various memories from my childhood. I didn't force anything, I just let them come to the surface of my awareness. On some days I didn't see or feel anything in particular. On others, I could observe clear scenes from my past. Some of them made me want to smile or laugh, others to cry or punch the involved person in the face. For a few days, I was also seeing my mother's pubes, which was totally disturbing, to be honest. Outside the meditation, I felt like eating something crunchy all the time (nuts, seeds, carrots, chips). I also experienced a blockage in my lower back twice. Knowing that we tend to accumulate anger in our jaws and lumbar spine, it was no surprise at all. I also became more irritated and impatient. With myself and with others, especially with the only person who is physically with me. Poor Luigi...
The day before my birthday I was preparing myself to complete another journey around the Sun. I meditated a lot, spent quite some time alone, practiced yoga, took a relaxing bath, and chanted mantras. By that time I completed 14 days of the childhood anger release meditation. I felt good and ready to start another year of my life. I went to bed early, still listening to mantras. And at some point, Snatam Kaur chanted with her angelic voice the Ong Namo mantra (I highly recommend that you pause here and play yourself that mantra while you continue reading):
'The rain is pouring down
Like all the souls you sent here
Coming to this earth
To find healing
Mother earth takes in the rain
Like your heart takes my voice
Let us free each other
With our prayers, with our voice
And I'm coming home
And I'm coming...'
And I got completely triggered. Suddenly I saw my mother in labor. I could see her pubes clearly (is this why ). And there I was, still in the womb. I was able to feel the emotions of my unborn self. Calm, blissful and so connected to my mother. And then I was an observer again. It all felt like a dream. A newborn was just born. Pulled out of its mother's womb. I was seeing everything from above, but I could also feel the feelings of the baby. I quickly realized that the baby was me. The amount of sadness and longing inside me was tremendous. I wanted to be with my mom. All the time. I was so deeply sad and slowly I started to become angry. I didn't want to be separated. I so much desired to be with my mother all the time. I somehow knew that it was impossible to go back to the womb, but I desperately needed to be one with my mother again. Meanwhile, I felt my adult body being in convulsive movement and my muscles contracting. I burst into tears. The newborn me was very scared. Adult me also felt an all-encompassing fear. How will I survive without my mother? Without her womb? The idea of the following day, the day of my birthday, was terrifying. Again the baby was feeling upset. It was crying. Screaming. I was feeling upset. I was asking my mother why she let that happen? Why she rejected me? What was wrong with me that she didn't want to keep me? Why she didn't let me stay inside her? And, as in a dream, I became my mother. I could feel how happy she was that I was born and that I was alive and crying. I could feel the huge relief inside her or rather my heart. The overwhelming happiness, love, and gratitude. Her deep fear of losing another baby in labor was gone. She was holding me in her arms. I was holding myself. Once again I changed the roles and I was the newborn me. I was slowly understanding that what has just happened didn't mean that my mother rejected me. On the contrary, she welcomed me with an open heart. To her I was perfect, all that she ever wanted. Soon my perspective broadened and this time I saw my dad too. Now they were both holding me in their arms, emotional and happy. I was their miracle. Immediately I, the newborn, started feeling more in peace with the idea of separation from my mother. I felt with every cell of my little body, that this was our destiny. That one day I had to separate from her physically, but we would stay connected in our hearts. I am a true embodiment of my mom's love. All that separation meant to happen and even though we live far away from each other the light of our love will remain in our hearts forever. The whole experience lasted about 1 hour. When I finally calmed down, I didn't feel drained from so much crying. On the contrary, I felt full. I felt whole. My heart was flowing with gratitude toward my mother.
I'm not expecting that my relationship with her will change from one day to another. But I feel that one of the deep child wounds I've been carrying for so long has been healed and I'm able to look at my mother from a different, more compassionate perspective. Being deeply grateful for the gift of life. Feeling so much love for her who brought me to this world. Not the love that I was trying to impose on myself and then blaming myself for not feeling it. The one that has always been there but got pushed down by anger and resentment. Now this love is present again. And now I feel ready to become a mother myself.
ps. I dedicate this post to my mom, who overcame the grief of losing two newborns and the fear of possibly going through the same pain again, but it didn't stop her from carrying me under her heart for 9 months and then inside that same heart for 36 more years. Every day. Thank you.
And to Kinga and Bartek, who are just about to become parents of a new member of our family!
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