This past week brought two important dates. My first wedding anniversary and the International Women's Day. Both led me to reflect on how our families and society shape our perception of the role of the woman in this world. And I'll be honest with you. It does seem like constant pressure and contradiction. The other day I watched this viral video by Cynthia O'Neil "Be a lady, they said" and I thought: 'This is it! This is how it feels to be in a woman's mind.' And then I thought that most likely men feel the same! Because to me, that video is not only about feminism. It's not only about gender equality. It's not only about the patriarchal society paradigm. It's about the state of the human mind. I am convinced that men could make a similar video stating how confusing being a man is. And how much pressure they feel. Because after all, aren't we all under pressure? Aren't we all confused?
Since we're very little we're being bombarded by contradictive messages and while we're growing up we're deciding (consciously or not), which of them are becoming our truths. Our principles. Our ways of life. I've been reading the book "You can heal your life" by Louise L. Hay and she explains this mechanism so well. We believe in ideas that we consider positive and useful. And while some of them nurture us throughout our whole life, like looking on both sides prior to crossing a street, others, like not trusting strangers or not letting boys cry, lose their value once we're not children anymore and we start adjusting our belief system to what is here and now.
My beliefs around being a woman and a wife and around being married in general have evolved in the past year because of anxiety, but also through my recovery. It's been and still is a long and consuming process of digging into the darkest corners of my mind and body and trying to bring into surface thoughts and emotions that are no longer helpful. That hold me back. That once helped me survive, but now do not let me thrive.
Where was I a year ago? 6 months through living in Berlin. Going to Berlin was not my idea in the first place. And never was my dream or goal. It just happened. Luigi got a job offer there while I was leaving my job in Mallorca to recover fully after my spine surgery. My actual plan was to open my own tourism business in Spain. The seed of entrepreneurship that I always felt inside me, seemed to finally sprout. I had a vision, I knew what I wanted to offer, I did market research. But Luigi wanted to go and it really felt complicated living so far away from each other. We managed a long-distance relationship Barcelona-Mallorca, but Berlin-Mallorca was not the same. The idea of having to fly back and forth on the weekends was exhausting. The more I tried to convince him to stay in Spain, the more he wanted to go. And I understood his excitement of a new life. Of being able to start over again. I felt the same few times in the past. And I got a job offer to work remotely. In a small family-owned tour operator. That same Summer my dad was recovering from his surgery. I wanted to see him more often. And suddenly life was giving me all the solutions I needed. Berlin was so much closer to Poland than Spain. And I could go there with the person I loved. Already with a job. So as much as I despised the whole idea of going back to the North and living away from the seaside, it all seemed to be big life synchronicity. The right decision to make. And I decided to give it a try. Start a new chapter.
And 6 months later there I was. Surrounded by grayness. Gray sky, gray architecture, gray faces. Most people ask me if it was very cold there. No, it was not. Berlin is not humid, so Winter felt milder than in Mallorca. But the most depressing was the lack of sun. Even though I was raised in the same latitude, having lived in the South for 10 years made my body crave a clear sky and the sunlight.
March was also my second month working remotely from home, often till late in the evening. Sometimes the only person I would see throughout the whole day was Luigi. I volunteered for an NGO, but only on Tuesdays (this is when Tuesdays were THE best days of the week). I left my idea of business aside, as I couldn't manage it from Germany. I tried to find an office job, but offers without German were only in a corporate environment - which I promised to myself not to enter ever again.
I felt isolated because of the language too. It was like living in a language bubble. Speaking English and Italian at work, Spanish and English at home and at the NGO. But being surrounded by German, Turkish, Arabic. Basically by a mix of incomprehensible languages, often combined with what seemed like a strong and blunt tone, which made me feel tensed and alert most of the time. Sometimes I managed to speak Polish or English, but on very rare occasions. I took a German course and then I would go to German yoga classes in my neighborhood, but I was only able to understand the body parts and the breathing instructions: tiff ein and tiff aus. So I could follow the class, but not surrender or truly enjoy the practice.
I was constantly tired. My body was aching. I could sleep for 12 hours and wake up exhausted. Sometimes I felt so much fatigue that I couldn't get up from bed in the morning. My mind was foggy, I couldn't concentrate on simple tasks. I could not recall certain words in any language I normally speak. I would often get sick too. One hour at the indoor pool or a short bike ride outside and then I had to stay for a week at home, trying to recover from a cold or flu. My immune system was down. Having switched to a plant-based diet back in Autumn, but without the supervision of a dietitian and during an important transition period in my life had a huge toll on my health.
And the wedding date was approaching. Luigi proposed in December 2018. There was no rush, but we decided to get married quickly. Apart from the excitement that we felt, there were some legal perks that we would benefit from being officially married. Our first idea was to tie the knot in Denmark. We discovered that it was the European Las Vegas. You can book your wedding online and a local company arranges your paperwork and the ceremony for €1000! How cool is that!? However, after evaluating other options, Poland seemed to be a better choice. Right across the border from Berlin, no paperwork for me, no need to travel for my parents. And no language barrier, at least for one of us. And so we booked the first available date. March 2nd, 2019. We opted for a small, civil ceremony and no party. Ceremony with 25 guests, dinner for 7 and that was it.
The first few weeks afterward were beautiful. We floated on a pink cloud of love and bliss. And then it hit me. Around Apri
l I started having anxiety attacks. I would cry for two hours feeling a lot of dull pain inside my chest. Crying wouldn't make me feel better at all. I began feeling very alert and vigilant. I was afraid of loud noises, people approaching me, darkness. I couldn't fall asleep at night because I felt petrified with fear. Slowly I was becoming paranoid. I didn't want to leave the house alone after dark, I didn't want to take the metro on my own. I experienced panic attacks, hyperventilating, not able to catch my breath, feeling terrified. At home, in a park, in the metro. Panic attacks were coming without any warning and always left me exhausted.
I finally understood what it me
ant 'fight or flight'. I had no strength to fight, to face my reality. I literally wanted to escape. The room, the city, the country - but mostly my body that was very sensitive, sore and aching most of the time. Luigi was trying to support me, but he just didn't know what to do. Sometimes he stayed at home with me, especially if I woke up feeling really overwhelmed. I had suicidal thoughts twice. Twice he held me in his arms until they went away. I recognize that he saved my life both times.
I was ashamed to talk to my friends about what was happening to me. About how deep my crisis was. It felt as if there was no good reason for me feeling that way. Besides sharing and talking about my state felt like augmenting it. Talking to my family was not an option either. I mean, I have tried to talk to my mom and my cousin, but it didn't help. I decided to see different doctors. Blood tests came out fine, all my organs seemed to work well, I got acupuncture therapy and was told that it was because of season change and that it will pass. I was thinking of getting psychiatric help, but deep inside I was sure I would be prescribed drugs that I didn't want to take. At that point, I felt completely alone, misunderstood, and helpless. And that worsened my state even more. The relationship was in a big crisis too. Luigi felt miserable about our first months of marriage. He imagined them differently and who could blame him for that!?. He wanted them to be easier and happier. More sex, less fighting, and crying. I could tell he felt shitty too. We both knew that we couldn't help each other because he was a part of my problem and I was part of his. We started considering separation. My heart was broken. I was broken. My life was falling into pieces. I knew that I could count only on myself. That I had to gather the leftovers of my mental and physical strength and make major changes. And make them fast. And I started from little steps... (to be continued)
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