The moment I shared my previous post I felt totally in peace. I knew that if I want to write on my blog about a recovery process, I would need to share the painful side of my experience. Throughout the week I have had several second thoughts. Mostly about exposing my vulnerability to the world, about privacy issues, and being judged and laughed at. Therefore I am extremely grateful to all of you who took the time to send me words of support and encouragement. They have helped to quiet my doubts a lot (and keep that post online).
These past few days have taken an unexpected turn in our lives. Today is Monday and it’s our 9th day of confinement because of the coronavirus. My next post will definitely be related to that, but I need some more time to process my thoughts and feelings on that first. Thus today I still want to write about dealing with anxiety and the lessons I have learned so far. I actually think that most of them are applicable to the current, uncertain situation when our lives are getting upside down and our minds are writing all kinds of worst-case scenarios.
Looking at the last 12 months I would say that, to me, the most efficient ways to deal with strong anxiety are:
#1: Make recovery your number one priority. “Women who love too much” by Robin Norwood is one of the most significant books in my life. It’s obviously about relationships. Mostly about toxic ones. But many years ago this book helped me understand that the most important relationship I have had, I am having and will ever have is the one with myself. The one and only ‘till death do us part’ relationship. One of the chapters in the book is called “Road to recovery”. I read that chapter again last year and I was struck by how meaningful it was in my situation: ‘You must face the reality that, over time, things have gotten worse in your life, not better, and realize that in spite of your best efforts, you are not able to solve the problem. This means that you must become honest with yourself about how bad it really is”. And then: ‘Why making your own recovery your first priority is necessary? It is necessary because if you do not, you will never have time to get well. You will be too busy doing all the things that kept you sick”. So in May, I made a strong conscious decision that my recovery would be more important than anything. More important than my marriage, my family, my job, my pride and what people might think about me. The culture I grew up in, claims that concentrating on oneself is a sign of egoism and egocentrism. We are meant to be martyrs instead. Suffer and sacrifice for others. And this is such a false claim that makes so many people feel miserable. And the obvious truth is that the better we feel, the better the quality of attention and care we are giving to others. So putting yourself first is not egoic, it is one's indisputable responsibility! Once I made peace with that idea, I knew my next priority:
#2 Give myself time and space. Last week of May I spent alone at Costa Brava, in the beach house of my friends (which I am eternally grateful to them for ). I was working remotely, of course, but I had time to reflect on everything that was happening to me. Alone and undisturbed. I practiced a bit of yoga on the terrace in the mornings, did SUP and, even though the water was still freezing, I snorkeled in the sea. Evenings were hard as I was home alone, away from other people, feeling really scared. But by the end of the week, I spent so much time on self-reflection that I knew what I wanted and needed in life. Number one - sun! Oh yes, the decision to move back to Spain was inevitable. My body felt so nourished. So together with Luigi, we decided to go back to Barcelona, where the weather (almost!) never fails. We moved back in July, first to the city center, and in September to the same building, we used to live in the past, by the beach, in my favourite neighbourhood - Poblenou. I must say - transition periods weren’t easy - and to Luigi my decisions seemed rushed, dramatic and reckless. However, when your rational mind becomes unreliable, acting more as your enemy than a friend, you have to trust your gut! And hell yeah! I am so grateful I did, now being able to sit in the sun on my balcony while writing this post. And here comes the next lesson:
#3 Research and learn about the problem. As I mentioned I didn’t trust the doctors telling me that everything was fine and that it was a temporal state. I mean, I imagined that I wouldn’t feel the same way forever, but I feared it could get worse and I rather felt ignored than comforted by the way my doctors approached my health. And so I started digging on the internet myself. First I read that I had to look at the anxiety from three different perspectives: physical, mental and spiritual. By the end of May, I came across an episode of the podcast of Rachel Brathen (Yoga Girl) with Anthony William, known as the ‘Medical Medium’, or the ‘Celery Juice Guy’. He was talking about women having similar symptoms to mine and being related to various conditions, including chronic illnesses and autoimmune disorders. I asked my doctor for a thyroid checkup and some other tests. They came out fine, nevertheless, I read William’s blog and bought his book about celery juice. Another episode of the same podcast was with Deepak Chopra. It was actually a huge coincidence (or I would say synchronicity) that Rachel, the host, was going through serious health problems (including anxiety) herself, so she invited various medical gurus to look for her answers, and I got mine along the way. I read “How not to die” by Michael Greger and “The healing self” by Deepak Chopra and Rudolph E. Tanzi became my best friends and sources of inspiration. Now I know that being an advocate of your own health does not only allow you to see possible solutions for your problems, but it also makes you feel in control, so necessary when experiencing strong anxiety. Having read those books led me to another conclusion:
#4 Diet matters! When we moved back to Barcelona, I drank a heavy metal detox smoothie (recommended by William) in the mornings for a month. I got the recipe from the “Celery Juice’ book. By the end of the Summer I even bought a juicer and tried drinking celery juice for 2 weeks, but it made me nauseous, so I simply stopped. Listen to your body, they say... I decided to see a dietician. If there was one positive thing about living in the center of Barcelona, it was a macrobiotic restaurant across the street, where I got a contact to a dietician, who had been a pioneer of macrobiotic cuisine in Spain and also a philosopher, naturopath, acupuncturist and vegan himself (sinchronicity again!). I told him about all my symptoms and he connected them at once. He did a blood test too. Well, I do want to write a separate post about everything I learned so far concerning diet and anxiety (from him, my conscious diet classes and several books I’ve read), but my point here is that by the end of my visit I was so fascinated by his holistic approach, that I felt I could trust him and I implemented his suggestions at once. Slowly I started seeing progress. My body did not feel heavy and tired all the time anymore. I could concentrate and recall facts more easily. My hands and feet were not freezing. I had a lot more energy. I felt joy at least a couple of times a day, without a specific reason. I’m sure it was not only the diet, but it was one of the key factors in my recovery. Another one?
#5 Movement! This is the simplest and most effective advice I took (thanks again, Yoga Girl!). Moving the way you like the most is crucial. Do not force yourself. Move for fun, for pleasure. For me, this movement is represented by yoga. And hiking. And dancing classes. In the beginning, going back to my yoga practice was a nightmare. After 30 minutes and 5 chaturangas I felt so sore that I could not practice for the next 3 days. My mind was taking me back to the times when I could cycle for half an hour to the studio do an hour ashtanga-vinyasa practice, with headstands and arm balances and cycle back home and still feel fine the next day. It was so different now. For months I could not find a good routine for myself, but I trusted teachers telling me: 'Just show up on the mat. Even if you practice only 2 asanas'. And then it came. A 30-day challenge of yoga with Adrienne. She is my all-time-favorite online instructor. After each class, I feel as if she was hugging me all the time. And that feeling was exactly what I needed. Through that practice, I was able to prove that I can show up. Show up for myself. I’m still not as strong or flexible as I used to be, but I am consistent. And this is what matters. The same was with dancing. It brings me joy. The joy of listening to my favorite music and moving my body accordingly. Hiking is my other preferred way of moving. Walking in nature makes me feel alive and at peace. It makes me feel that there is something bigger, greater, something stunning surrounding me. Yoga and hiking are not only physical but also spiritual experiences to me. Almost as spiritual as:
#6 Getting to know my mind better! I started that journey by reading “The power of now” by Eckhart Tolle and "The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself" by Michael A. Singer. Naturally, they led me to read about Buddhism: “The law of Karma. Dhamma Practice” by Phra Rajsuddhinanamongkol and “The wise heart” by Jack Kornfield. All of them emphasize that the human mind produces a never-ending flow of thoughts. It is also the source of our fears and sorrows. Curiously enough, once a mind produces a frightening thought, our body replies with a fear response, even though there is no real threat. It’s automatic, inevitable and simply unbelievable. We cannot control our bodies' reactions, but on the bright side - we can control our minds! But the first step is to comprehend that we are not our minds. We only listen to what they are telling us. Meditation and mindfulness are the states that help us to hear the mind without identifying with it. They enable us to live from the perspective of a listener. Because we are the ones who listen. Besides, all of these books highlight that acquiring knowledge about the mind, without the practice of observing it, is not the way to liberation. So I started asking myself: what are my negative, recurring thoughts around my current situation? What are my fears? What does my inner judge accuse me of frequently? When do I feel the urge to fight? To flight? To feel victimized? And also - what does my mind like doing? What entertains it and keeps it away from reminding me of my current misery. So for a few months now I sit down every morning and observe my mind. Sometimes in silence, sometimes following a guided meditation. I never try to stop my mind from thinking or block my thoughts. I mostly use vipasana practice and bring my attention to the breath instead. It’s kind of the same when I practice yoga, but more difficult, in my opinion, as there is no body movement. I started from 5-10 minutes of meditation daily, now it’s between 30 and 60. Some days my mind is active and overwhelmed with thoughts. Other days it’s quiet and sleepy. And I’m just there, present. I cannot really explain how it happened, but no matter what the state of my mind is, I feel a lot calmer and peaceful in my body. It feels like the chaos that used to occupy my whole being is mostly in my head area now. And that helps me to:
#7 Identify thoughts that hold me back. Until now I’ve had three mind-blowing discoveries. First was how much I was afraid of commitment. In the past, I tended to accuse men of not wanting to commit to me. But to be honest it was always me who didn’t want to lose my freedom to decide what I wanted to do with my life. I was the one who didn't want to compromise anything. Or better said - the one who didn't own her own decisions (which is my discovery number two). Because when I was single I was always able to change my mind without being accounted for my previous decision. I could always quit, flee or give up. I have committed to many things in life, but until I got married, I had never committed to anyone, but me. And suddenly my marriage required it. So maybe it was everything I needed? The discovery number three was the most painful. When I was a teenager we had many fights with my parents. I was full of anger and frustration and I would easily explode, scream, shut doors and cry. Once my dad said: ‘You will never find a husband if you keep on behaving like this’. For years that thought lived in my subconscious only. But I feel it was always present. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t blame my dad for saying this, I just know that for many years I held to an idea that expressing my anger (or any negative emotions to a man) would mean that he would stop considering me as a good partner, thus he would stop loving me, thus he would abandon me. I’m not saying that treating your partner badly when you feel upset is the right thing to do, but in my case, I felt unlovable whenever I felt anger, frustration or sadness. I associated feeling those ‘negative’ emotions with possible abandonment, so I suppressed them constantly in my romantic relationships (until they would finally explode and ended up ruining the relationship). And when I felt so bad in Berlin, so bad that that I couldn’t hide my negative feelings any longer, I started believing that Luigi would abandon me. Even though Berlin was his idea in the first place. Even though we were married. Even though we did (do) love each other. These three discoveries made my mind boil and they led me to another step:
#8: Seek professional help - I knew that I was not able to deal with all that on my own. I didn’t think my husband or my friends, despite their best efforts, could help me either. So I searched for psychological help. Currently, I’m doing a standard therapy and an EMDR therapy and each time I’m amazed how much progress one can make by looking into one’s past. They both accompany my master, which feels like an ongoing therapy session too. It’s actually a combination of seeing a therapist (the speaker), who presents the theory, asks right questions and provides tools for self-exploration, and a support group (my fellow students), who share their personal experiences and hold space to whoever feels like expressing their thoughts and feelings. I feel that I'm in the right place at the right time, that it was worth to start the master, but if I could give myself a piece of advice few months ago, I would say:
#9. Limit your goals and lower you expectations toward yourself to the minimum. Even though I was able to start and continue certain projects throughout my recovery process, I believe that it is better not to set too many personal goals. At least not the achivement goals (like I will become something, I will finish/complete something, I will reach this or that level). When you're feeling really down you take each failure more personally and it is a lot more to digest than when you're fine. I remember crying for days when I decided to cancel my wedding party (that was meant to happen in September). It was a good decision, but I thought of myself as a not trustworthy person, who fails her loved ones. I was also devasted when I realised that my body couldn't cope with a 200-hours yoga teacher training and I had to postpone it. Completing my Yin Yoga & Yoga Nidra teacher courses were still not enough to balance that feeling of failure, so I'm convinced that when anxiety strikes, it's better not to challenge yourself too much. It's just better feel nicely surpsrised, in case you actually achieve something.
#10: On the relationship side - accept that there is no happily ever after. I had to be honest with myself and let go of a (mostly unconscious) romantic belief about marriage. That I will finally live in a total bliss. The truth is that marriage or any committed relationship requires daily effort and nurturing. Marriage is also a constant work on oneself. Why aren't we told and taught these things at school, is still a mystery to me? For instance, how to express our needs clearly? Why non-violent communication is so important in a relationship - and how to apply it? How to deal with routine and boredom? How to coexist in the same household without getting overwhelmed? Why talking about values, expectations, chores, and money is not sexy, but inevitable. I feel that we grow up believing that once we are married, these things will simply fall into place. And then they don't! And we're frustrated. And disappointed with marriage. We blame each other for lack of understanding (which in fact is not being able to read each other's minds). We even try to blame the institution of marriage for our miscommunication. We think that it all would be different if we only weren't married. Sure... On the one hand, it makes me laugh that I’m doing a master program about it, on the other hand, I want to scream: Hallelujah! At last it is a part of our educational system.
Looking at all those life lessons, I believe that one of our life missions is to become aware of how our minds work. And how they once got conditioned by our families and society. And which of the "truths" that we continue to tell ourselves internally still do serve their purpose to improve our lives? And which of them pull us back and make us feel not good enough? And not loveable? And I realized that this is possible only when we pause and contemplate. When we step back and look at our thoughts, our feelings, and deeds from a perspective.
So if there is one thing I wish for every bride (and groom) and every woman (and man) in this world, it is time for self-reflection. Time to let your thoughts and feelings pass without holding to them. Let it be a meditation, a yoga practice, running 10k, a hot bath, a mindful walk, sipping a coffee in the sun, or watching a sunset. Anything that lets you be with yourself only.
(Side note: Paradoxically, I wrote that last paragraph 10 days ago, before the confinement. And sometimes you simply get what you wished for...)
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